Making plans...and miracles?

A few posts ago I mentioned that this blog might be "dying," and I alluded to some other things in the works. Let me muse on that for a bit...

Intellectually, I understand that NOW IS THE TIME TO PULL THE TRIGGER regarding REI. I could probably list a full blog page's worth of cliches on that, in fact. But part of me just can't pick up the gun again. I suppose it's a combination of things, not the least of which is the difficulty I have washing the stench of desperation out of my clothes after going to REI meetings. They're all the same--three or so hours of lectures divulging just enough insider information to whet the appetite, followed by lots of inspiring, yet utterly useless cheerleading. Afterward, a small group of regulars get together and talk about how they're "just about to pull the trigger," while a battalion of newbies hovers around the "veterans" pledging that this is the year they're going to turn their lives around. Then everyone buys a System to the tune of $1,000 or more, and the next week or month the whole process is repeated with a new battalion of noobs.

I feel qualified to criticize these people because I was one of them. However, I did actually pull the trigger. My wife and I made about 100 offers, negotiated on a few, but still couldn't get anywhere near getting a house under contract for a wholesale-able price.

Granted, the iceburg had just hit the U.S.S. Wholesaler at that point, and banks were still trying to recoup their losses before the whole thing went under. At least, that's my explanation for why a bank thought it could get $314,000 for a house crawling with mold, sub-code wiring, and some ghetto additions in the back.

But I think the real reason I burned out so fast was that I'm still saddled with this albatross condo, which was recently assessed at about $25,000 less than we paid for it. In order to keep afloat, I ramped up my small-time moving business and focused on my actual J.O.B., which, while it pays squat for this area, has great potential in the near and long-term. Getting into REI for a (reasonably) quick fix started feeling a little too much like hopping fences for greener lawns.

And then, it comes down to a totally irrational feeling of "It's not meant to be." While I'd love to be financially independent--and someday, I will or I'll be dead from trying--REI just doesn't crank my dials. I've come to realize that whatever shape my career takes, it doesn't necessarily have to be infused with Meaning and Purpose, (although that'd be nice), and I instead need to focus on doing whatever it takes to support myself, wife and children. If that's waste management (of the non-organized crime variety...well, maybe), then so be it. So, if my spiritual antenna is tuned correctly, it's significant that I'm STILL getting that feeling that I should be focusing elsewhere.

Things I'm sure of:

1. I need to focus more energy on my job as a grantwriter. There's a lot of money for grabs out there, and a good grantwriter can get a ton of it for himself.

2. I need to write more, and by that I mean about topics that interest me. Call it my approaching-middle-age-and-post-fatherhood-mania if you like, but "being a writer" has percolated in my blood since I was 15, and probably even earlier than that.

3. I'm shaky on this one, but it seems that the Truck Bud biz I've got may have some serious potential, and I should pursue it. As an entrepreneur, that is--NOT necessarily as a schlepper.

A number of seemingly miraculous things have happened lately regarding nos. two and three. (I don't care to dwell on the possible miracle that I still have my day job--let's not get started with a pity party here...)

First, regarding the writer dream, my wife sat me down and "gave me a present," of sorts. She knows, and has always known, that I felt called to do that. (Which I do NOT consider a divine guarantee of success, btw). But, after we saw the situation with the condo, how I'd have to throw much more energy into my day job, not to mention the duties that come with being a husband and father, I pretty much gave up on my dream. I figured that it was childish, idealistic, and if I hadn't published anything by now, the window of opportunity was probably being closed.

And yet! And yet, the desire would burble up from the dank river in which I drowned it in concrete galoshes, and I would have to find new chains and new concrete galoshes to drown it all over again. This has been going on for years.

Anyway, my wife recently sat me down and said "If you want to pursue this, I'm behind you 100%, but that means YOU MUST WRITE AND FINISH A PROJECT. Why wouldn't I just say "Hey, man, I'll do it myself--you don't need to tell me what to do!"? Because--she's as much a part of this little family corporation as I am. (In fact, she's the CFO.) To write, one needs discipline and solitude. One needs time. And that means less time for household duties and taking care of, say, new arrivals of little people who poop their pants. For any of you who've been given the green light by loved ones to embark on some crazy-ass dream with little real hope of success, you know what a Big Deal this is. I'm blessed to have such a supporter.

So, that's in the works. I'll outline the project in greater detail in a future post but for now, suffice it to say that I'll be taking an enormous amount of work my wife produced as a year-long fellowship project on D.C. crime, and novelizing it. She's already got stacks of manuscript pages, tapes and notes, not to mention loads of contacts, so I'm already far ahead on the research portion. And, since she's a former D.C. crime reporter, I've got a great manuscript consultant right in my own home.

The second miraculous sign, if I can be so irresponsibly optimistic, has to do with the Truck Bud biz. I can't tell you how many people have told me what a great idea I've got. Customers have been THRILLED with my service and my rates (which, to be honest, are too low). I've had three different customers argue to pay me a higher fee--and that's before the tip.

Case in point: this morning as I was heading out the door, my wife said "Maybe you should think about franchising the business." It's been a persistent thought, but for some reason it rang a little clearer today. (I'm finding that a lack of sleep produces less tolerance for bullshit thoughts, and tends to help me focus on what needs to get done. Thanks, Joseph!)

So, as I'm leaving 7/11, a guy comes up to me and comments on my truck and magnetic Truck Bud signs. "This your truck?" he asks. "You bet," I say. Then he proceeds to tell me what a fantastic idea it is, etc., etc. I mention that I'm thinking of franchising it, and he says, "Great! I used to sell franchises for a major auto parts retailer--here's my card. Call me anytime if you have questions."

Then he asks me how I got into this business, and if this was my day job. (I guess the suit didn't exactly say "blue collar worker.") I mentioned in vague terms our situation and trying to avoid foreclosure. "Oh," he said, "My son, who lives in this area, works with XYZ company to help people find solutions to avoid foreclosure. Here's his number."

Amazing.

Signs. That's all they are, and that's as far as I'm going to interpret them.

Am I abandoning REI? No. That would be stupid. It's a proven way to make money, after all. But I'm not going to make it my full-time job AFTER my full-time job. We're keeping an eye out for good deals, and if and when we find a good one, we'll go for it. But right now I don't have even the minimal amount of resources it takes to be a wholesaler (relatively speaking). Advertising, earnest money, TIME--these elude me. I'm on the razor's edge, and really, I'm bleeding profusely. The writing thing is definitely pie-in-the-sky, but the moving biz and getting rid of our place are the best shots I have right now. I just need to refocus my efforts.

So that's that. I'll keep the blog going as long as its not too distracting, and as long as the cognitive dissonance required for keeping a flipping blog while not, you know, actually flipping doesn't exhaust me.

So, onward and upward!