Today I get to go through the ritual annual colonoscopy known as the "employee performance review." I am resigned to my fate and my affairs are in order.
Actually, I'm not that worried. I have a spunky personality quirk that likes to expect the worst in everything. That way I'm pleasantly surprised when things go better than expected, and I'm not too shocked when they go south (like really south--not someplace fun like New Orleans. I'm talking about El Salvador.) I have some reason to expect that I can hope for an average review.
Normal, self-actualized people tend to hear me talk like this and recommend counselors. Maybe that's something I should look into, but hey, I've had this cynical worldview for about 33 years now, and it's like a comfortable, moth-eaten sweater. It's just the way I see things. For all I know, I'm the normal one and they're all grinning idiots merrily skipping their way into perdition. Who knows? Heh.
Anyway, over the last nine months at this job I've had a few successes, and I've had a few downers that I always interpreted as signs of my imminent termination. But last week at our Christmas party I self-medicated with enough martinis that I felt emboldened to talk to the president and founder of the company, a really nice guy, but also the kind of guy who, well, founds and heads companies. In other words, an intimidating fellow to a slacker like me. Our conversation was brief, and he didn't say anything like, "Why are you talking to me? We're going to fire you next week."
I take that as a really, really good sign.
Now why would I even entertain such ideas of firings and what-nots? Well, let's face it, I'm not the world's greatest employee despite what the t-shirt I made myself says. I have an extensive collection of Flash games bookmarked, and I've probably put more effort into this blog than my actual work-a-day work. (That should tell you something right there...) I was theoretically supposed to have raised $125,000 by now, and, well, I actually have no idea if I'm anywhere near that. Without going into all the tedious details, suffice it to say that I've ASSISTED in bringing in millions, but how much of that actually counts toward my bottom line, I don't know. I feel a little bit gyped by the process, and I think some false promises were made before I was hired. That brings up another mark against me--I'm a fantastic excuse-maker.
We had to fill out a self-evaluation form yesterday. I think I was realistic, although I may have gotten too close to the "I think I work too hard" territory after the question, "What criticism do you have of yourself." Heh.
But in order to inflate my worth a little bit, I set for myself what I thought was an absurdly high fundraising goal for 2008: $1 million. That's right--one meeeellllion dollars. It's do-able, but still, wow, what was I thinking? I'm a master at this--setting absurdly high goals in order to "motivate" myself, when absurdly high goals tend to have the opposite effect.
I thought my boss would have laughed and "modified" it somewhat to make my goals more realistic, but no, he came in to my office and said, "Hey, of that $1 million, your goal is to bring in $125,000 of NEW foundation money."
Oy. Smooth move...
He also mentioned a half-dozen or so other things I'll be taking on in '08, so that's a good sign. They're planning to keep me around for at least a little while. And who knows, maybe there's a raise in it?
Nah. This is just a conspiracy to keep me complacent until after the holidays. What with all the random shootings these days, managers are probably just taking precautions to prevent...
See what I mean? I can turn any positive into a negative.
Anyway, we'll see. Zero-hour is at 2:00 pm. Wish me luck.
Actually, I'm not that worried. I have a spunky personality quirk that likes to expect the worst in everything. That way I'm pleasantly surprised when things go better than expected, and I'm not too shocked when they go south (like really south--not someplace fun like New Orleans. I'm talking about El Salvador.) I have some reason to expect that I can hope for an average review.
Normal, self-actualized people tend to hear me talk like this and recommend counselors. Maybe that's something I should look into, but hey, I've had this cynical worldview for about 33 years now, and it's like a comfortable, moth-eaten sweater. It's just the way I see things. For all I know, I'm the normal one and they're all grinning idiots merrily skipping their way into perdition. Who knows? Heh.
Anyway, over the last nine months at this job I've had a few successes, and I've had a few downers that I always interpreted as signs of my imminent termination. But last week at our Christmas party I self-medicated with enough martinis that I felt emboldened to talk to the president and founder of the company, a really nice guy, but also the kind of guy who, well, founds and heads companies. In other words, an intimidating fellow to a slacker like me. Our conversation was brief, and he didn't say anything like, "Why are you talking to me? We're going to fire you next week."
I take that as a really, really good sign.
Now why would I even entertain such ideas of firings and what-nots? Well, let's face it, I'm not the world's greatest employee despite what the t-shirt I made myself says. I have an extensive collection of Flash games bookmarked, and I've probably put more effort into this blog than my actual work-a-day work. (That should tell you something right there...) I was theoretically supposed to have raised $125,000 by now, and, well, I actually have no idea if I'm anywhere near that. Without going into all the tedious details, suffice it to say that I've ASSISTED in bringing in millions, but how much of that actually counts toward my bottom line, I don't know. I feel a little bit gyped by the process, and I think some false promises were made before I was hired. That brings up another mark against me--I'm a fantastic excuse-maker.
We had to fill out a self-evaluation form yesterday. I think I was realistic, although I may have gotten too close to the "I think I work too hard" territory after the question, "What criticism do you have of yourself." Heh.
But in order to inflate my worth a little bit, I set for myself what I thought was an absurdly high fundraising goal for 2008: $1 million. That's right--one meeeellllion dollars. It's do-able, but still, wow, what was I thinking? I'm a master at this--setting absurdly high goals in order to "motivate" myself, when absurdly high goals tend to have the opposite effect.
I thought my boss would have laughed and "modified" it somewhat to make my goals more realistic, but no, he came in to my office and said, "Hey, of that $1 million, your goal is to bring in $125,000 of NEW foundation money."
Oy. Smooth move...
He also mentioned a half-dozen or so other things I'll be taking on in '08, so that's a good sign. They're planning to keep me around for at least a little while. And who knows, maybe there's a raise in it?
Nah. This is just a conspiracy to keep me complacent until after the holidays. What with all the random shootings these days, managers are probably just taking precautions to prevent...
See what I mean? I can turn any positive into a negative.
Anyway, we'll see. Zero-hour is at 2:00 pm. Wish me luck.
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