Feeling the burn...making S'mores...

The following is adapted from a response I sent to my wife. She's been busting her butt while going through some pretty tough pregnancy growing pains, and it's starting to really get her down. I wrote something like the following and it seemed to lift her spirits. I'm posting this adaptation here for all beginning investors, or anyone facing hard times...

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Well, maybe it'll help if you understand a little bit of my thinking on the subject...

Last night I was in a dead zone. I was going through the motions with the painting, unable to see the larger picture but knowing that what I was doing somehow helped us along. I could feel a "buzz" in the air like something was wrong, but couldn't really put my finger on it. Then, as I was lying there, it just hit me: we're in trouble. When I asked my wife, the keeper of the finances about it, she confirmed that yes, we're about to be in trouble. It was like cold, hard reality landed on my chest and I was instantly awake despite the bone-deep fatigue.

I laid there for a while feeling the edges of my resolve starting to crack and crumble. The voices on the periphery, voices that I've been able to silence with a lot of determination, got louder and clearer. "You're an idiot. You failed. You woke up, got some goals and motivation, and when you tried, you blew it just like I said you would..."

But then something unprecedented happened. It all just stopped. Just like that. A voice, which sounded something like my Dad's, said, "Don't worry about it. It's all taken care of. There's a reason for all this." Then I was tired again, and before too long I was asleep.

This morning I barely thought about the troubles. In the shower, I could sense all of that weight hanging above us, the debt, the lack of money, the risky, ambitious things we're trying to do, and...meh. I was more worried that, out of habit, I'd gobbed too much shampoo on my now shaven and nearly hairless head--what a waste.

This is, without a doubt, a miracle and a message from God.

I'm VERY thankful for these purifying trials. Yeah, it sucks to endure them, but I keep a small file of inspirational scripture verses on my desktop widget dealie to remind me that there's a purpose for everything. We believers aren't promised the world for nothing. We're supposed to take up the Cross and walk with it. Only one thing is guaranteed--if we persevere, we get everything. Sometimes that means great financial success, sometimes not. But either way, we'll get exactly what we need.

So it looks like we're about to hit the wall where our only income left is my salary and the moving business. But you know what? That's enough. With almost no effort, I managed to accumulate more than $500 so far this month--my original goal. Theoretically, I could line up enough moves this weekend to reach $1,000. So, if need be, we can hang on to the house (as opposed to being kicked out) with just this.

However, we've also got a tabletop covered in other opportunities that we made on our own. (With help from above, of course). If we hadn't faced these trials, we'd still be living as complacently as Hindu cows--working a 9 to 5 job, hoping for that little raise, putting just enough on credit to hide the fact that we were living beyond our means. We'd treat ourselves "occasionally" to this or that toy, and who knows if we'd ever wake up to the fact that we are not ENSLAVED to the J.O.B. mentality. We can MAKE things happen. We can create our own life, rather than have it dictated to us.

Could we have done this without these trials? I don't think so. In fact, I'm certain we'd have done nothing, and would have remained good, complacent employees.

We've potentially got the advertising from the newsletter. We also have a good shot at leasing our condo. Think of all the ways we've come up with to market this thing! If even one of them works, we're back on our feet in an instant! All we need to do is bring in $1,000 more a month. With all the opportunity we've created for ourselves, this will be easy. Heck, I have a few thousand coming in in the form of bonuses from work.

Yes, we're about to hit bottom. (Sad to say, but this is just the final descent before we hit it). But we have enough parachutes, I think, to survive. (Talk about horrible mixed metaphors--you use a parachute to escape a valley???) And, if the worst happens--i.e. nobody needs a cheap mover, nobody wants to advertise in the newsletter, and nobody leases the place, well, there's always family. I'd be embarassed, but not so ashamed--this is a tough place to live, especially for writers. We've done everything we thought we could, and we're not sitting on a pile of toys we bought with credit.

I suppose I should feel sad, too, but I'm not. I'm weary, sore, exhausted, cynical (but not that much), frustrated and...happy. I've yearned to be tested all my life, and it's happening now, and despite the explosions all around me, I'm standing tall. I hope you can take some comfort and solace in that. I'm not about to have any emotional breakdowns. THAT is a miracle.

It's alright to get down from time to time. Sometimes you can't (and shouldn't) resist the tides of emotion that threaten to overwhelm you. If you've ever played in the surf, you know that it's faster to get to the other side of a wave by going through it rather than over it. So, go through the sadness. Punch something. Relax. Say "To hell with it all" for a few hours or even a day. Then start over. Eventually this will all make a great story.

This is totally uncharacteristic of me, which is why I think of this as a miracle. (The cynical side of me says it has nothing to do with miracles--this is just your normal, run-of-the-mill dementia brought on by prolonged stress). But I'm not down. This year has taught me so much. Whatever's about to happen, I'm standing tall and tougher than I've ever been.